When thrust into a conversation with someone who sees reality in a different way, “progress” or, rather, not-ending-up-hating-this-person can feel impossible. If basic facts can’t even be agreed upon, how can anything positive occur? What this question incorrectly implies, though, is that no basic facts of agreement exist when they do. Or at least agreement on something should exist if you are the open-minded, just calling balls and strikes person you surely claim to be.

First, step back from the toxic issue (TI) and pivot to a place of shared condemnation. How to find such a place? Well, apprehend the reasoning error your counterpart is making re: TI. A quite common one is making an unfalsifiable claim¹ or making a claim that seems falsifiable only to perpetually change the falsifying metric whenever the thesis appears falsified,² but any error will do. It’s important to appreciate that your counterpart almost certainly agrees that reasoning errors are, in fact, errors, but that his own biases will prevent him from easily witnessing his mistake re: TI.

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Censorship concerns aside, tech companies labeling/blocking/slowing “misinformation” seems almost certainly to be ineffective in the same way parental advisory stickers are ineffective: by attaching such a label, the people you most hoped to “save” will be, counterproductively, MORE attracted to the content than they otherwise would be.

You so badly want to help. Plus, you have very real knowledge that can assist those you care about. But, you know that advice is so rarely followed. What to do? Suggest measurement.

Consider the Fitbit craze. Everyone, from the most obese down to those possessing visible ribcages, knows that walking is healthy. Yet, almost nobody walked enough in a given day. Action, not information, was the issue.³ Then these same allegedly unmotivated, uncompetitive, and lazy folks were give a simple step counter. No advice. No instructions. And BOOM! neighborhoods were suddenly overrun with walkers striving to reach the arbitrary figure of 10,000 steps. Better still, these walkers were now truly open to receive advice since health tips no longer carried the burden of something to put off and feel guilty about, but were instead genuine methods to be added to the self-started and already underway lifestyle transformation.

12×12. Then, go 8×8. Rest there for a bit, not too long, and you are on to 6×6. You won’t want to continue, won’t even see the point. Do it anyway: 3×3. You have no more ideas now. 2×2. This has to be beyond your limit. But if that’s true, what do limits even mean?

Easy there. Hey. Stop. Breathe. Stop. Breathe. Seriously, you are gonna hyperventilaHEY FUCKER: STOP. Thank you. Jesus. I promise you can handle this. I know nobody actually wants to put himself in a box, especially ever smaller ones, but this is your reality.

You come from a world of abundance that panics itself about scarcity. Now, you are in a world of scarcity, but one that can be of abundance. The outcome is entirely up to you – abundance can be yours simply by not tapping out. That’s it, that’s all.

“Simply” was an unfair word to use. I apologize. The advice is simple enough, but enacting it is far from simple. I get that. I get that change is scary. I get that losing so many parts of your identity, the parts too big for 2×2, is disarming. I get that you want desperately to do the one thing I urge you not to do.

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unless you can feel compelled to act the same as him. It’s not that you stay in this state of compulsion, but rather that, if only for a passing second, you can want to act as he wants to act. Like, you don’t “get” Trump voters unless you’ve, at some point, felt the desire to vote for Trump.

For certain topics, the bridge to understanding (as set by this standard) may be too steep to conquer. This is especially true where the topic is less academic, like sexual harassment. Still, if you as a man have ever felt uncomfortable with the way another man speaks/touches a woman, a woman’s cries of sexual harassment are more likely not only sound bad, but to feel bad. And it’s in shared feelings that the deepest forms of understanding become possible.

to say the same thing others have said (i.e., a cliché), the key point to convey is why the advice did not previously connect with you. This is the valuable insight. Generally, this insight will demonstrate that only part of the story is contained in the cliché, the part that belies the difficulty of adhering to said cliché, or the part that admits of no tradeoffs, even though there are always tradeoffs.

in warding off pain. Pride that jolts you out of malaise when you are about to be passed. Pride that holds you accountable to the promises you made. Pride that says I’m better than this, and I ain’t going out like this.

because the real experts aren’t in power.

It happens on a daily basis. You’ll be doing one thing, your concentration will be on that one thing, and then, suddenly, a different thing will capture your attention. Especially if this other thing requires less energy to complete, the temptation will arise to drop the first thing and jump to the second. Unfortunately, as is frequently true with temptation, giving in will leave you deprived long-term.

Why? Well, for starters, you will erode your ability to focus for any serious amount of time, a skill necessary to appropriately meet any sufficiently difficult task. More importantly, giving in actively encourages a forever racing mind that prevents you from being able to derive pleasure through attention – no current moment will ever prove good enough, the grass will always be greener.

A simple solution exists in what I’m going to make up right now and call “Active Observation.” Make a quick note of that other thing and return to the task at hand. Simply observing the thought, as mediation beseeches, is often not nearly enough for all but the elite meditators since that thought, especially a pressing one you fear forgetting, will continue remerging. The act of taking a note cauterizes this cycle. Research flights to Mexico. Buy a pineapple. Register for bowling league. Maybe the thought will indeed reappear, but now you can honestly tell yourself, “I know I’ll handle that later.”

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