And the excuse that immediately springs to my mind is that the provocation was so sudden and unexpected; I was caught off my guard, I had not time to collect myself. Now that may be an extenuating circumstance as regards those particular acts: they would obviously be worse if they had been deliberate and premeditated. On the other hand, surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of a man he is? Surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth? If there are rats in a cellar you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly. But the suddenness does not create the rats it only prevents them from hiding.

– C.S. Lewis

offer a hug.

It’s the bit of advice every well-meaning parent gives to every child. Just be yourself. Divorced from external outcomes, this wisdom is pretty unimpeachable. Because, yes, it will be hard to ever be internally tranquil if your social persona is critically divergent from your true self. If we stopped there, all would be fine. But we won’t stop there.

Try as even the best Buddhist might, being completely disconnected from social performance is just not how humans operate. Run Just be yourself through this unavoidable lens and its wisdom begins wilting. What if your true self sucks? Is super weird? Cares about things society ignores? Discards communal values? You could very well end up in a position where you reveal the true self, feel calm inside … and end up a total loser outside. Contrast that against hiding the true self, feeling conflicted inside, and gaining much social credibility from one’s deft playing as a poseur. It’s not obvious which path is preferrable.

Perhaps you think back to that lame kid in high school who pretended to like System of a Down when his real passion was Britney Spears, and you say, “Naw, that second path wouldn’t work because we know poseurs when we see them.” Yea, the bad ones. Just consider all the “successful” people admitting they played a “character” to remember that much posing goes undetected. Or really, just look at yourself. You’ve surely gotten away with claiming to like/believe that which you didn’t like/believe; you’ve seamlessly done things you didn’t want to do.

(more…)

I’m all for quitting … just not when there is a disconnect between mind and body. This incongruence usually occurs with mental quitting leading the physical. It’s fine to quit running marathons after a marathon; it is not fine during. It’s fine to get divorced; it’s not fine to mentally check out of a marriage while still married. Sure, the mind can lead the body, can serve as an indication of what the body should eventually do, but you probably should catch your spiraling mindset while still in it..

The mind is aggressive in pushing us to quit or compound errors when there is zero benefit in doing so. You may not be happy with your golf play, but you truly gain nothing by giving up on a hole and “saving it for the back nine.” Nothing, that is, other than the relief from having to stay “locked in.” But when have you ever been unhappy with yourself for remaining “locked in”? When have you been displeased for preventing errors from compounding? Yes, you may not be at your best, and yes that may be legit disappointing, but don’t you want to be the type of person who can still summon it on days where you aren’t 100%? You do know that you usually will not be 100%, right?

1. Hurts your life in spirit
2. Gets progressively worse
3. Can’t stop doing it even though you know it’s not good for you

Person A has just told you something seriously bad or sad or difficult. You want to say something positive. You want the person to not feel alone. It’s those generous impulses that will lead you astray.

“I understand…

“A similar thing once happened to me…

“I can imagine…

These responses deny the uniqueness and depth of the issue. Person A has been thinking about whatever this thing is for countless hours and you think you instantly comprehend? At some point, it may be prudent to express understanding and solidarity, but almost never after an initial reveal.

HERE

• Bad now doesn’t mean bad forever
• Something that’s hard now – playing individual notes – doesn’t mean hard forever
• Really listening and enjoying the music makes you play better
• Your fingers will tremble. So. You have played hard stuff in that reality.

An unfortunate aspect of school is being forced to learn things for less than compelling reasons. Since the reasons aren’t hugely inspiring, and since being “forced” to do just about anything stirs rebellious urges, it’s easy to dismiss the thing itself as unimportant. Maybe good to know for a stellar grade, but little else. This is an understandable conclusion. It’s also sometimes terribly incorrect, like in the case of vocabulary. You seem to already understand this. Congratulations! So absorb this book not for better grades, not for a tilting of college admission probabilities, not even so you can seem (and be) intelligent, but because language mastery is foundational to understanding and communicating. Possession of these intertwining skills provides a rightful confidence boost to connect with anyone, anywhere. And human connection, I dare say, is the apotheosis of compelling reasons.

to what you most enjoy blaming people for: it’s probably an area where you enjoy giving yourself credit. For if something is not blameworthy, doing its opposite is not creditworthy.