They’ll keep repeating it: Just be yourself. If the repetition commences before you enter the snake pit that is teenage social hierarchies, the advice will seem banal. How could I be anything but myself? Why would I even try to be anything else? Once in the snake pit, the encouragement will feel not banal but dumb and impossible. Don’t these people understand that to stand out is to open oneself to ostracization?

Enter Be confident. Another oft-repeated phrase without deep thinking attached. Here’s some deep thinking. Your mom has one form of confidence; your dad has another; and both are important forms.

Your mom possesses the more popular, more understood form, the standing tall with a swaggering wit while doing whatever the hell she pleases, thank you very much. The zero concerns about that possible ostracization because, well, I want to do comedy or a non-profit or whatever, and you can think whatever you want, but it is you and your self-doubts that should be judged, not me in all my power. Of course, this confidence done properly—as it is by your mom—has the magnetic effect all parents hope for when urging Just be yourself. In a sea of poseurs defensively crouched, the Be confident + Just be yourself exhibitionist is adored, admired, and envied.

But let’s not forget about your father, possessor of the oft-overlooked confidence to act in ways that may disappoint people. See, the magnetic form is all positive vibes, and so if one can overcome the initial fears of standing out, there’s no real downside to confidently being yourself. The same is not true if being yourself conflicts with what others want from you. You want to, say, stay at home to read on a Saturday night, and your friends desperately want you to come out to experience the city, to drink and dance and maybe talk with some girls. You like having friends. You don’t like letting them down. Yet, you have the confidence to choose what you want for you. You stay home and read. Consider how impressive this is. Really knowing oneself and being ok to define enjoyment and success in ways that sometimes depart from accepted social norms. So, so confident. And so, so vital in helping one live a life brimming with internal pride. For if one can’t be internally proud, no amount of social validation will fill the void.

How about we update the advice? Yes? Yes. Just be yourself with the confidence of your mom when that makes sense and the confidence of your dad when that makes sense.

Have a great life!