For the first time since October ‘17 and possibly since spring of ‘12, I feel normal.
I can’t be sure of the date because time is fickle and memories are unreliable. This, I’ve learned, is especially true with bad memories: a natural defense mechanism shades the past in a positive light (i.e., when you are not sick it’s damn near impossible to accurately recall the feeling of being sick).
In this instant, I can look forward to things. In this instant, I can feel the joy of existence. Then I’ll test it. I’ll ask myself: wait, do you actually feel good or have you just momentarily forgotten the pain? That pain is still there, just look a bit harder. I keep passing the tests. Nope, this is real, and this is how life can actually be. I just smile and laugh.
There is an excitement to reach tomorrow to see if this new (old) state persists. There’s also, of course, fear that it won’t. Which really highlights the wastefulness of pondering the future. Enjoy now. Appreciate now. It’s been a long, long time since now felt this good.